Dealiest Warrior jumps the shark

Can you actually jump the shark if you were never all that good? I will no doubt watch this season, shaking my head as I did the last two (there is always a little something worth watching in each episode though) but somehow 5000 years of military history has been exhausted in twenty six episodes.  I don’t get it.

So here’s the announced line up this season, which seems to be playing up the dumbest idea from the previous season: let’s compare famous generals and pretend they were all also personally formidable.

  1. George Washington vs. Napoleon Bonaparte.  Washington has about 12″ and 150 pounds on Boney.  Come on. 
  2. Joan of Arc vs. William the Conqueror. William was actually a warrior and something of a badass. Joan was a fanatical peasant girl.  300 years of improvements in armor and weapons will probably not make up the difference between a warrior and saint.  But I imagine the show will go for a ‘Messenger’ style depiction and on the basis of equipment, it will be Joan.
  3. U.S. Army Rangers vs. North Korean Special Operations Forces. I don’t care about the modern match-ups but this will go to the Rangers.
  4. Genghis Khan vs. Hannibal.  This is actually interesting.  Both guys really knew how to fight and how to command armies.  Genghis will lose if his pony has never smelled an elephant before.  Otherwise 1700 years of technology will carry the day.
  5. Saddam Hussein vs. Pol Pot.  This match-up is kind of insulting.
  6. Teddy Roosevelt vs. Lawrence of Arabia. WTF? I guess we know Teddy can take a bullet.  I’m not sure either one was really that much of a fighter though. Yawn.
  7. Ivan the Terrible vs. Hernan Cortes.  That’s actually interesting. Ivan though, due to his technological edge.
  8. Crazy Horse vs. Pancho Villa.  These are the only two moderns that I can say with any certainty were actually warriors. Crazy horse was an epic level badass.  Villa was not far behind.  But Crazy Horse was apparently bulletproof until he broke a taboo, so Crazy horse all the way.
  9. Gurkhas vs. French Foreign Legion. Easiest. match. ever. Gurkhas always win, except maybe against an equal number of tigers. 
  10. Vampires vs. Zombies.  This is the one that truly jumps the shark. What is the point of doing this except for cheap laughs?  But … this will all depend on our assumptions. Romero zombies? Voodoo zombies? Fast zombies? Smart zombies? Undead, witchcraft, radiation, or disease zombiism? Strigoi or Hammer or sparkly vampires?  I will need a chart.
  Strigoi/Folkloric Hammer Sparkly
Romero (cause unknown) V V Z
Voodoo (magical) V V V
Fast (diseased) Z V Z
Smart (radioactive) V Z Z

Notes:

Romero zombies only attack humans.  Only Sparkly vampires can pass for humans.

Voodoo zombies, being magically animated, are susceptible to magical control by folkloric and Hammer vampires.

Fast zombies, in numbers, can be eluded only by bats, so that goes to Hammer.

Radioactive zombies (cf. Night of the comet) can use guns or other weapons, including stakes and holy water.

I realize this chart is incomplete and not the last word; feel free to expand it in the comments.

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Published in: on July 16, 2011 at 6:00 am  Comments (5)  
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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. But…sparkly vampires have the power of love! Doesn’t that count for something? LOOOOVE!!!!!
    *ahem*

  2. But when will they do Kirk vs Picard?!

  3. surely the next season will feature such titans as Madonna vs Justin Beiber.

  4. 9. gurkas still win if they have guns. I wonder if they will verfify that their skulls are bullet resistant?

    4. tough call but GK moves alot faster thus he would be harder to hit.

    7. Cortes much more the warrior. 50 years is not insurmountable.

    6. Teddy all the way. He killed everything on 4 leg at one time or another.

    • I was thinking Ivan was later than that, but you’re right. Also he does not appear to have taken any personal role in fighting…so yeah, I guess Cortez has him.


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